On June 11, 2007 it was declared illegal to wear your pants low enough to expose your underwear in Delcambre, Louisiana. With the best of my abilities, I offer a firm pat on the back to the town of Delcambre. Although there is probably some sort of puritanical and unconstitutional agenda behind this law, I will give them the benefit of the doubt and declare it was all for the sake of fashion!
Legislators, put your tax breaks aside. Give your health reform bills a much needed break. Forget the economy for a while. All of the problems will still be there when you get back from a much more important charter: CRIMES. Crimes against fashion, that is. These transgressions should no longer go unpunished:
1. I believe there should not only be a law against, but an all out national disposal of, all footwear that tones your body while walking, be it in sneaker or sandal form. Even if these shoes gave everyone who wore them six-packs; what was the price they paid?
2. The only acceptable capri a man should be part of is the island off the coast of Italy. Not under any circumstance should the hem of his pant leg end on the middle of a calve muscle.
3. There has not been a showdown to see who has the quickest hands in the west since the late 1800′s. So why do cellphone belt holsters even exist? Does anyone really have to get to their phones that fast?
4. I have to admit, every here and there, I’ll enjoy a Lady Gaga tune. I even consider her a fashion icon, but i think she should be viewed like you would art in a museum, not as a fashion role model.
5. All tattoo inspired clothing should be banned in all states except New Jersey. This proclamation is meant to create order not to cause a statewide hysteria.
6. All sports team jerseys should be worn by a millionaire athlete only because it is their work uniform. The only other exception would be in the confines of a stadium or at a sports bar, and even that is pushing it.
7. I know I am going to catch some heat for this, but I stand firm. Counterfeit handbags and watches are illegal to sell but not illegal to buy. This should change. Either save up or wear a less expensive brand. Ebay, consignment stores, thrift shops, choose one, but the fake Louis bag is not fooling anyone.
8. Nobody wears swim trunks in the snow. No one wears down jackets in the heat of summer. Simple laws of practicality. Why do these not apply to people that wear sunglasses at night? I’ve seen people lift their shades to be able to read a street sign in the middle of the day! This should be law for public safety.
9. ANYTHING GOTH. I’m sorry it’s terrible.
10. Last, but not least, is very near and dear to my heart. All ill fitting suits should be punishable by death. I realize it’s a bit dramatic, but it’s important to me. A new position in the president’s cabinet, the Tailoring Czar will be created to iron out the specifics of the amendment such as:
a) Wearing oversized suits. You are forty years old, why look like you wearing your father’s clothing?
b) Wearing undersized suits. Try the next size. I know it may hurt your self esteem, but it will not hurt nearly bad as the button that will eventually shoot into someone’s eye.
c) Leaving the sleeve tags to show everyone the fabric content or brand of your jacket.
This Document is not made to make fun of those people that choose to break the mandates above, but to teach the public that such acts are irresponsible, unacceptable, and embarrassing to their friends as well as themselves. I do understand there are people that cannot put an outfit together on their own and are seeking help from professionals. These people are exempt.
Photo Credits: Hiroko Masuike for The New York Times
Edited by: Gina Conforti
